Almost a year out of employment!

Wow!! Time really flies! July 2011 was the last month I collected my employment cheque. Unfortunately, it was credited into my bank account, so it did not made an impact as it should have on me.

This month, I made my record low in terms of income, could not believe it!! All the hospital visits with little Megan has limited my time to work. But with each visit, we are nearer to the completion of her treatment, so it is worth it.

Sometimes I question myself - would it have been better staying on a job? Sometimes I wonder if it was worth coming out on my own into the big bad world.

Then I see my Ryan smiling at me when he comes home from school. I see him when I surprise him and pick him up from school. "Mummy!", he would call out. I wonder how long he will be delighted to see, how long before he becomes a cranky tween, a grumpy teenager? Or when he thinks it is not cool to be picked up by mummy? Hmmm...

I also see little Megan coming to me in the middle of the day and asking for her "Milk, milk". Or when she lies on the hospital bed, so helpless and depending on me to help her get better. Or those times she will ask me to watch Mamma Mia with her and see her dancing in my heels?

I also see Dylan more than my other two babies. I used to rush off to work in the morning and send them out early, picking them late. With Dylan, I enjoy the morning walks, I enjoy the fact that I can send him at my own time. I like the fact I can cook his meals, feed him and clean his poop in the morning. All the things which will go by quickly.

So, is it worth it? Every damn second of it! Money is not as good as before, but the time I get in return is worth so much more.

As I write this, I remember still being at work and frantically churnin numbers for bosses. Now, I am gonna be playing with the kids in the garden, gonna be blowing some bubbles and cooking them a home cook meal too.

We need to make choices everyday, make them wisely!

June 4th 2012 - Protocol M

Yesterday marks the start of the third protocol that Megan is going through. This protocol is easier in schedule, 2 times hospitalization, 3 days each ... if all goes well.

I hate the uncertainty of it ... It makes me very uncomfortable, makes me nervous.

This protocol has a drug - High Dose Methotrexate (MTX) administered intravenously into her for 24 hours. Then it is followed by continuous saline drips to help her body rid itself of this chemo drug, plus all the cells which are killed. This drug kills the cancer cells in her brains.

The doctor will tell me that there is a certain level that he is looking at when they test her urine after 48 hours - levels of the meds in her body cannot exceed 0.4. If it does, we will have to continue our stay. This happens to 20% of kids. If it does not, we will be given the last dose of Folinic acid to deal with the ulcers that can happen in her mouth.

And then there is the vomiting and the suppressed appetite and the fever, all probabilities which nobody has given a number to, they say each child is different ... each child is special.

It sounded so technical to me. It sounded so distant to me. It sounded so unreal too.

We are now staying in the same floor we did when we first found out more than 2 months ago. The same feeling is there - quiet, eerie, cold, unreal ... This time our room is smaller, although it is still a single room. This time, Megan cried after less than 24 hours in, she wants to go home, she does not like the feel of the room, the loneliness she feels from not seeing her brothers and her sofa and her Lucy ...

I want to go home too, I want a healthy child, I want the things that so many mothers take for granted - chatty, healthy, happy, naughty, rebellious, screaming children. I did not appreciate them enough before this hit me, I guess I always thought that it will not happen to me. I guess like so many mothers out there, I was too busy to stop and marvel them in their healthy state. I forget ...

As I write this, I am sitting beside Megan, she is sleeping. It has been more than an hour. This is her second nap today. She is tired. Doctor said it is not part of the side effects. Nurses said each child react differently. Mine is tired and her head feels warm. Part of it they said. The meds are working on her brains. So scary, so unbelievable, so needed ...